I used to think I had the answer. That the way I was living my life was right and correct. I mean it is for the most part, at least it is if other people are the judge of how I live.
But, again I have come face to face with mortality, with the magnifying glass that makes all my faults clear. With the death of my mother, I have had to come to terms with life, with living life to the fullest or just crawl into a corner and die.
My mom died July 16th 2009, and I have felt as if I was hit so hard that I am numb. And I am still numb. Maybe this is the denial phase. You would think I know this stuff by heart, my son just died four years ago. But no, it’s different. However, for some strange reason I seem to be able to go through the myriad of legal papers and tasks with a tunnel vision like focus. My younger sister on the other hand, is struggling with mom’s death right now.
Sure, she’ll get better in time, and no, she doesn’t believe it. She believes she’s on the point or brink of losing her mind and on top of it all, she is angry with God for taking our mom without warning. I know how she feels and I also understand that anger and denial is the first phase of mourning, so in this, I have comfort. As they say, been there, done that.
The tears don’t stop flowing after the funeral is over and the family and friends go home. No, they flow silently in the darkness and alone time. The sadness sneaks up on you and attempts to break you, attempts to control your mind and give you untrue thoughts. As the oldest sister, the responsibility has fallen onto me to be the ‘strong one,’ the one who prays and initiates prayer. The one who says, okay, we have to take care of this certain business today.
I don’t mean for this to be a sad post, but right now, if I don’t write my way out of this, I may not make it out of this. Writing has always been my outlet, my way to work problems out. Right now, I need to writer more than ever. Even if it doesn’t always make sense, I need to get it out, to express my pains, my fears, my joys.
My mother lived a strong life, she raised two great girls, and like all mother daughter relationships, there were times when we probably couldn’t stand one another. But through it all, we still loved each other. And we still do.