How To Live To Be 1000 Years Old

I just read an interesting post over at The Daily Galaxy, "Experts Say Humans Can Live To 1000"--and I was slightly amused.

First of all my sense of humor kicked in on a somewhat serious topic, at least for the commenters there. The comments I read were all about debating the epic gains and posturing of human life into the stratosphere. I think that is just fine.

I'm not really interested in having a 1000 year old body. I don't want to know what my man's genitals are going to look like at 1000, particularly knowing what they will look like at 60 and older. Not a good visual...and to the counterpoint, mine probably won't be featured in a photo spread for Playboy either. Nope, not gonna happen.

But, what about those phantom old people pains that I get from time to time. Yes, I know, I'm only 47 years old, but while I was a wild and crazy young person, I drank tequila, cognac, beer, I stayed up late, I ate the wrong foods, and I played softball, tennis and volleyball until a ball hit me and knocked some sense into me.

Now, these phantom old people pains just show up. Like if I've been sitting too long at my desk writing blog posts. My bones creak like an old set of stairs in a haunted house when I get up. I now keep a bottle of Aleve in my purse. Never know when an ache or pain will hit me when I'm away from my medicine cabinet.

I used to be able to jump right out of bed in the morning. Now, when I wake up, I reach for my Bible, read some scripture, and then I make my way out of the bed. See, there is a method to my madness. I am allowing my body to get used to its new position slowly. Moving too quick in the morning is sheer madness, I have paid the price for that well thought out decision before.

There is also the monthly allowance in my budget for Oil of Olay products. Because I am prone to over 40 acme, I must wash, tone, and moisturize twice a day to keep the pimples away. My skin falls into the partly dry, mostly oily category. Except the dry and oily spots change places from time to time. I guess those little pockets of skin are trying to facilitate an alzheimers moment.

How about our teeth? George Washington wasn't even 100 and he wore wooden dentures. I have a pretty healthy set of teeth right now, but that's because I believe in good dental hygiene. You know the drill, twice a day use Listerine to kill all the germs that decide to hide in the orifices of my mouth, use a battery powered toothbrush to get to the places my manual can't seem to find, and plenty of water.

If I lived to 1000, would the effects of the Listerine wear off? I mean, would I need to carry my own personal hologram of a dentist around with me to give me impromptu touchups and cleanings? And how much would something like that cost? Surely, today's dollar will not match up with the dollar or whatever monetary measure we have in 953 years. I can't even imagine explaining to someone that I was around when the first African American President was elected. They wouldn't understand. Probably brush me off like some old woman (which I would be at that time).

In a nutshell, I don't really care to live to be 1000 years old. It's just not a part of my agenda. My paternal grandmother lived to be 101, and she didn't look all that happy about it. She was alright, but I'm sure she kept thinking, what did I do to deserve all this. Just joking. Thanks for venturing into Teasas World.

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